I have anxiety.
No, I’ve never been diagnosed and am not taking any medications. Well, except for wine. I find that a suitable medication. But, no nothing real. My pride says I don’t need to see a doctor, and so does my logical thinking. Is it even something worth going to a doctor for? I guess for some it is, because I’ve seen commercials for anxiety meds. I don’t discredit those who do need it. Anxiety is stressful, overwhelming, and sometimes scary.
Heading out into social situations is the worst.
Example: I get invited somewhere and my first reaction is excitement so I immediately accept the invitation. The rest of that day I feel good about my decision, confident that I will enjoy myself. The days following are pretty much downhill. Slowly the fears start to creep over me, like an invisible and suffocating fog. Fears of what I can’t exactly say, mostly depending on the situation/location/event. The closer to the day of event I get the more I start to panic and try to think of a reasonable excuse to get out of going. When I think of an excuse that is perfect, I can’t use it to back out of the engagement because I know it’s a lie and I’m just sure that later karma is going to bite me in the ass for using it. Plus, it’s just plain asinine that I’m even contemplating getting out of the engagement and I know I need to just shut the hell up, pull on my big girl panties, and go! Which is usually (9 times out of 10) what I do. And? I usually have a really good time and inwardly flog myself for being such a twit about it.
Now, take all of that I just said and multiply it by about 20, and that’s my social anxieties when I’m going somewhere with my kids.
I go through all the steps mentioned above. I’m a completely freaked out and frazzled mess by the time I’m supposed to be walking out the door. Even park/play dates send me into a tizzy. Some of my fears when it comes to traveling and being social with my kids are easier to label, though.
- is it going to interrupt nap time?
- are they going to get fussy?
- will the drive be too long?
- are the kids there going to have manners? play well with my kids?
- will my kids like the food or will today be one of those picky days?
- what if the other moms are bitches? what if I don’t fit in?
- oh I hope no one has a meltdown….
- it’s just me, how am I going to be able to keep my eye on all of them all of the time?
These are just some of the thoughts that circle my brain. And just the same as the ‘me only’ social outings, I constantly come up with ways to get out of it. Then talk myself out of talking myself out it it, because again karma will bite me in the ass for telling a fib and now, worse yet, because it involves my kids I’m sure karma will be a hag to them as well. And I just can’t have that. So, up goes the big girl mommy panties and out the door I go. And? Usually I not only survive but have a good time watching my children have a good time.
Most people would say, and have said to me, they never would have guessed that I have such anxieties. What can I say. Duck on the pond?
If we were to box all of this up, you could say that this upcoming deployment would be the wrapping and bow. Or, if you’re a foodie like me it would be the icing and cherry on my anxiety cake.
Like all other situations that bring out my frazzled tizzies, I know I’ll get through this. Afterward, I hope to even look back and say there were times I enjoyed. But in the mean time, I’m feeling a bit anxious about it all. My husband is my rock. He keeps me grounded and gives me the exact amount of encouragement I need when I needed.
And he’s leaving.
I have been trying very hard to stay positive, keeping all of my fears and anxieties bottles up, locked away, and buried deep within as to not let them get the best of me.
However this is me letting some of the pressure out.